I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
