Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
smell my finger.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
