I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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