Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
