i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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