Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
