remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
