who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
