Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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