My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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