So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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