my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
