I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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