good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
