Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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