i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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