The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you didnt know i had herpes?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
