My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
