Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
