there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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