why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
