Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
