a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
