how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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