Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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