I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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