He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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