you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
