It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
