My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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