I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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