Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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