Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
