Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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