i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
