I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
