i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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