You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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