Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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