This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
