i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
