I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
