She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
