i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
