New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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