I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
