why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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