The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
