It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
