My liver just broke up with me...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
