Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
